THE EPIDEMIC OF LONELINESS, EMOTIONAL BARTERING, AND THE REMEDY - Part 3
ALL WE SEE IS OUR BELIEFS!!!
We finished the previous installment in this series by talking about how we see the world, life, and relationships has been prescribed to us. Literally, programmed in to us. This is our karma.
This has a profound effect on all of our relationships. What we see in the world is based almost entirely on what we’ve been told to look for. Our cognition has been programmed, and we filter reality through the lens that has been fashioned for us. Our conscious experience of LIFE has been prescribed to us, from our view of the universe, the world, cultures, history, medicine, politics, religious beliefs, love, relationships, and on and on. The only sense we make of this dimension of our consciousness, has been taught to us as being so. Once provided with the answers, our curiosity is largely sabotaged. We stop searching, we stop observing, we stop questioning, and to a large degree, we go unconscious, living life barely above the alpha rhythms of our sleep state, at the level of impulsiveness, unconscious, automatic patterns of behaviors and reactions to any action or perspective that’s incongruent with our point of view or beliefs. Sadly, this is the level of consciousness where most of humanity remains trapped. The physical world, the political news/propaganda, celebrity lifestyles, the understanding of themselves, EVERYTHING has been explained for them, their learning is done, their journey of self-discovery is over, and few rise above living at the level of “functionality.” They go through the motions of working, paying their bills, obeying authority, practicing their social etiquette, and playing at romance the way it is taught, with the same dismal results, time after time after time. It’s no wonder why history, both as a society and individually, repeats itself. We repeat the same lessons until we learn them. Until we collectively and individually rise above the level of our karma, we’re doomed to repeat the same lessons over and over.
As I’ve already alluded to, even our concepts of love and relationships are the result of marketing and modeling the behaviors of others who have had their entire concept of love modeled and marketed to them. As a result, we’re all role-playing, expressing romantic love/lust in all the creative ways we’ve had it modeled for us by Hollywood, our peers, our parents, and perhaps reality TV. This is truly a case of the blind leading the blind, as we struggle to figure out why we all trip over our feet in relationships. Simply put, we’re all approaching love and relationships in the same dysfunctional way, with no real foundation to build upon.
In virtually every aspect of our lives – in society, business, and in commerce, we’re taught to get as much value from what we’re investing in, with as little cost and investment of our time as possible, in any given transaction.
Unfortunately, this mindset spills over into the way we handle relationships, especially romantic relationships. We “emotionally barter” with others, by “investing” time, money, gifts, and emotions into the person we are romantically involved with, extending ourselves to them with the hope, and honestly, the expectation, that the relationship we’re cultivating will indefinitely yield the experiences and the feelings we dream about having with another person. In other words, love isn’t a free gift, it’s completely transactional, expects reciprocity, and a return on our investment. We do this because in a very insidious way, society has primed us to import our self-worth from everything external to us. We lose ourselves to the relationship, by attaching our self-worth to another person’s approval of us, their choices, and their behavior, never realizing that we and we alone are responsible for the way we feel. No one else!!!
It bears repeating, the ONLY relationship we are ever having is the relationship we are having with ourselves, within ourselves. Every external relationship only draws to the surface the beliefs we hold about ourselves. This is important to understand.
It’s unfortunate, but whether we realize it or not, most of us tend to place people in our lives in the way that is most self-serving for us and meets our own self-interests.
Real “LOVE,” has nothing to do with another person, but is instead only a reflection of the relationship we are having with ourselves.
Again, LOVE SEEKS NOTHING from another, but instead is only a giving, a sharing of, the love, appreciation, gratitude, honor, and joy we have in knowing ourselves and participating in this thing called “LIFE.”
So many are so lonely and are looking for love, but looking in all the wrong places. Looking “out” is “EGO.” Looking “in” we find the essence of who and what we are – complete, whole, sufficient.
Endlessly searching, the lonely join dating websites, with some even seeking out “dating coaches” and “relationship experts” in an attempt to figure out what’s wrong with them and why romance eludes them. The underlying belief each carries is that “if only I find ‘THE ONE,’ that one person who will see me, accept me, and be with me, I’ll drown in a sea of eternal bliss and all my self-loathing will cease to exist.” They never realize that if only they were to lift the foundation of beliefs they hold about themselves, that search will end in an instant. We look inward for approval, not outward; realizing no external relationship can cure our diminutive appraisal of ourselves. Even if we are to find the “ONE,” in a very short period of time, most of our insecurities are magnified dramatically in romantic relationships because they challenge the beliefs we hold of ourselves hoping our lover never figures out those beliefs are now bolstered by their affection towards us. Take it away and we return to baseline . . . self-loathing.
What most so called “relationship experts” are prescribing to those who seek their input, is not a roadmap to enlightenment and the true bliss of loving and honoring ourselves that accompanies such an awakening, but rather the dimly lit and perilous path that only leads the masses deeper and deeper into codependency, the darkness of our ego, and our emotional ineptitude, as the blind lead the blind, promoting a “playbook” of sorts to courting another, romance, and love as an emotional exchange that demands reciprocity.
Writings on the subject of love and relationships of course, appeal to our conditioned understanding of society’s underdeveloped concept of love and relationships, but ultimately steer us further and further from even the hope of ever experiencing truly unconditional, AUTHENTIC LOVE.
Though well intentioned, many, arguably most “experts,” don’t know the first thing about relationships, because they’re pushing a worn-out narrative, we’ve all known forever. “You’ll eventually find the ‘ONE,’ and then you’ll be happy.”
They unknowingly perpetuate this outbound pursuit of happiness and self-acceptance by taking a “formulaic approach” to relationships. “Do A, B, and C, and you’ll cultivate these feelings in your lover, which they will then reciprocate and reflect back to you.” It all about how to modify your behavior to create a fairly predictable behavior in your lover.
THIS IS NOT LOVE, NOR IS IT LOVING!!!
This is calculating and is only a way of protecting the emotional investment we’ve made in another person, that we’ve now reduced down to “our drug of choice” that makes us feel oh so good about ourselves. In other words, without even thinking about it we import our sense of self-worth and well-being from others. This is why most relationships have tragic endings that upon ending cause us to return to the baseline appraisal we have of ourselves, when someone is no longer bolstering our self-image.
Living in a society that has reduced LIFE itself down to a commodity and a competitive money sport, constantly catering to our ego, this competitive spirit bleeds over into our relationships, which is why most lovers enter into relationships that demand “commitment” from one another. Why? Because, “If I’m going to emotionally invest in you, you’re required to emotionally invest yourself in me.” Again, at the level of our emotions, love becomes completely transactional and conditional.
We’ve romanticized the idea of commitment because we believe it will provide our lives with predictability, continuity, and security. People don’t commit to one another out of love, they commit to one another out of fear. If two people love one another, commitment is unnecessary, because to truly love someone is to want for them what they want for themselves whether it continues to include us or not.
The fact is, when most people say, “I love you,” they’re really saying, “I love the way you make me feel,” never once realizing that no one can make us feel anything. Only we possess that ability.
When we stop getting from our lover what we want, and so desperately need, which is constant validation, our love turns to hurt and more often than not, turns to hate.
Applying even most superficial introspection to this visceral response, we find our insanity is now exposed. We never “loved” our lover, we, just as we had modeled for us, were unknowingly exploiting them to make our life work for us. Our love is and always has been a transactional, quid pro quo, exchange of emotions.
Again, this is because most relationships aren’t predicated on love but rather a culturally biased version of what we call love, which isn’t love at all – but rather codependency. It’s something based entirely on alleviating our fear of being alone by “winning the heart” of another person. Think about that for just a moment!
When we convince someone to marry us, we’ve won!!! This is why we celebrate weddings! “MY” lover, is now “MY” wife, “MY” spouse, “MY” better half, “MY” security blanket, “MY” prize. Every other suitor faltered and fell short of the goal line, but we, yes we, the fun loving, charismatic, loyal, patient, understanding, compassionate, thoughtful, romantic, and let’s not forget, “emotional-available” and just attractive enough suitor, have convinced our lover we will make them blissfully happy for a lifetime, so, it’s time to “put a ring on it.”
And this is what coaches, many of which don’t even have a healthy relationship with themselves, cater to – selling a product that capitalizes on traditional role playing in relationships.
Love and relationships have become big business. They’ve been commoditized as a product to help you find the “ONE,” who’s out there, and is a remedy for one’s loneliness. This is why the desperately lonely masses seek out those who will dispense advice on how to find your soul mate, “make anyone love you,” find the counterpoint to your soul’s essence, and meet the fulfillment of one’s quota of yearning. In other words, they promote love as an acquisition, an external pursuit, and something that is found with another.
This is why in our culture happiness, self-worth, self-respect, self-love, peace of mind, confidence, and joy are all concepts that tend to remain circumstantial and transient experiences at best, or worse, remain entirely foreign, elusive, and well beyond one’s ability to grasp. If you want to fall in love, begin by spending time with yourself and learning to love yourself.
The key to knowing love, experiencing self-acceptance, and having peace of mind, is knowing that the only thing that threatens our well-being is that we have allowed our thoughts and emotions to take instruction from outside rather than inside.
And so it goes, until we develop self-awareness and truly learn to live “mindfully present” – and stop ruminating on past memories or projecting ourselves into an imagined future – both of which are non-realities, we will forever be lost to the whims and the capricious nature of our thoughts that we weave together into an internal narrative we’re having with ourselves. These narratives we spin subsequently create all of our feelings; no one else!!!
If one pays attention, they’ll observe that for most of us, our self-image isn’t based on what we think of ourselves at all. It’s based on what “we think” others think of us. It’s all merely a story WE tell ourselves, and unfortunately, the internally narrative we create is always going to be the one that is the most commensurate (validating) with the beliefs we hold about our self. Sadly, ALL WE SEE IS OUR BELIEFS!!!
If we believe we’re not likable, lovable, or good enough, we’ll constantly look for evidence to support our beliefs.
“Most people do not see their beliefs. Instead, their beliefs tell them what to see. This is the difference between clarity and confusion.”
Matt Kahn
What I invite the reader to begin is an inward journey . . . to actually sit, become silent and meditative, and simply become an observer of the pain you’ve been ignoring.
Get comfortable. Create a gap between your thoughts and you as the “observer” of your thoughts. Picture yourself in the movie theatre of your mind where you, as the observer, sit in the audience and simply observe the thoughts that appear on the screen, while suspending all judgement. Don’t label them as “good” or “bad” but rather, just see them as an experience you’re having. They cannot hurt you unless you give energy and meaning to them. Avoid the urgency to create a story around them. Just allow the thoughts to be whatever they are realizing your thoughts are yours but they’re NOT YOU, nor do they define you.
Observe the feeling that come up inside of you but do not resist them. What we resist, persists. The very act of resisting our thoughts or telling ourselves that we shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, or we “just need to get over it,” is resisting. By not resisting our thoughts, we process them, which dissipates the energy associated with painful thoughts, and allows the pain to evaporate away.
Thoughts happen automatically as they bubble up from the sub-conscious mind, so simply let them. Again, just observe them while suspending all judgement. What you’re peering into is all the activity that is going on beneath the level of your “conscious” mind. It’s what’s running in the background.
Pay attention to what you tell yourself as you observe these spontaneous thoughts that are being generated. Examine the beliefs you hold about yourself, listen to the internal dialogue you are having with yourself and the messages you send to yourself. This can be a very uncomfortable exercise. It involves having the courage to take an initial step into the darkness, where trapped emotions from childhood traumas, and the emotional wounds incurred in our youth, are kept hidden from the world. After all, this is the aspect of our being that no one gets to see, while we wear our brave face out in the world, with the hopes of appearing to be put together. But if one has the courage to step into that place, we can begin addressing and changing those beliefs and messages that no longer serve us.
In a society that only breeds “isotopes,” it’s easy to turn to self-loathing and self-hatred. You’ve spent your entire life hating and beating yourself up. How has that worked for you? What would your life look like if you could actually learn to truly love and honor yourself?
It’s very disheartening, but very few people will live having ever truly experienced truly unconditional LOVE, because ALL LOVE begins with learning to LOVE and honor ourselves. Until we do that love will remain an external pursuit and usually involves feasting on scraps from the table, because others can only validate us so much.
Those that have come to truly know love, TRUE, AUTHENTIC, “UNCONDITIONAL” LOVE for themselves and others, are those who become meditative, who have turned inward and become so silent, so still, so peaceful and contemplative, that by going within and becoming acquainted with their inner essence, they realize they ARE LOVE and they are never alone. They are everything and nothing at the same time. They feel connected to everything and attached to nothing. What they see is that love is no longer a relationship with another but only a “relating” to others. Wherever you are, with whomever you move, you are simply LOVING because LOVE SEEKS NOTHING!!!
LOVE is something we ARE, not something we find. LOVE is authentic, not emotional bartering. LOVE is “relating,” relationships are role playing. LOVE is sincere. Relationships are games. LOVE is boundless. Relationships have well defined boundaries. LOVE is free. Relationships demand reciprocity. LOVE never destroys ours or another person’s freedom. Relationships are a commitment to limiting our freedoms, and the freedoms of our lover. LOVE has no rules. Relationships are wrought with Rules of Engagement, quid pro quo, commitments, and expectations. LOVE is presence and lives only in the “NOW-ness” of each moment. Relationships are always future-oriented with a destination, a mile marker, a pinnacle to arrive at. LOVE is unconditional. Relationships are conditional. LOVE is un-attachment. Relationship is attachment.
LOVE is a dance, not a tethering!!!
Maturity is when we have the ability to make a bond of love, not a bondage.
FREEDOM IS OUR NATURAL STATE. Whether we realize it or not, the human spirit is in endless transition and is ever changing. It seeks constant expansion and experiences that lend themselves to the evolution of the soul’s consciousness.
Careful what you wish for. The walls of security you build with another today, often become the walls of your confinement tomorrow.
I would love to hear from you and hear your own personal thoughts on relationships in the comment section below. Let me know if the content of this article resonates with you, provides perspective, or helps you see things in a different way that empowers you to make different choices or see life and relationships through a different lens. I value your thoughts and feedback and look forward to hearing from you.
Love & Light to You in your continued Journey of Self-Discovery!
David
